For the Aspiring Radical Islamist Novelist
We address the young martyr-in-waiting, who might daydream while he and his friends suffer through another long, boring sermon in their mosque. Indeed, there are other possibilities in life, it’s true. There are alternatives to vaporizing yourself because your Mullah has decided it’s your turn. These are very important alternatives, too. Alternatives like having a future to pursue life’s interests, spend time with your family, or even get married and enjoy raising children of your own (just as your mother and father enjoyed raising you). Maybe you could serve your cause in a different way. You could embark on a career as a chronicler of the Jihad, rather than making yourself and innocent others its victims. Consider taking a stab at writing while your Mullah sermonizes on your holy duty to deny other men their natural right to live in peace. Is your Mullah wearing a TNT undershirt below his robes? Do you see a fuse protruding from his beard? No, of course not. So, why don’t you use your head for something other than a place to keep your taqiyah, and think about a career as your Mullah obviously has?
To get you started on your way to a long life in your new career as a prominent theorist of the Jihad, we offer the following suggestions for titles in the hope of stimulating your critical thinking:
Murder in the Afterlife: More Want than Need
Torture in Heaven is Torture For Real
My Eternal Immolation: Reflections on Earthly Ideas
Jews Forgave Me, Can You Believe It?
Steering Truck Bombs into the Pearly Gates: Anti-Terror Measures in Heaven
The Calming Effects of the Afterlife: Liver and Onions Every Monday
Carnage and Murder: The Negative Side
God: Real Sources of Anger